Category Archives: Humour

One liners from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe

The top fifteen funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe:

1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change”
Ken Cheng

2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” –
Frankie Boyle

3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” – Alexei
Sayle

4. “I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving
house till I find her” – Lew Fitz

5. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” – Andy Field

6. “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” – Mark
Simmons

7. “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a
name for it …” – Jimeoin

8. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” –
Ed Byrne

9. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky,
because he trod on a land mine” – Olaf Falafel

10. “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my
God, me neither!”‘ – Alasdair Beckett-King

11. “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a
men’s singles event” – Angela Barnes

12. “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently
people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” – Adele Cliff

13. “For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” – Phil
Wang

14. “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” – Adam Hess

 

 

Credit: Drew Forrest of Key Financial Strategies LLP via Mike Sell at Total Media

Image credit: The Edinburgh Festival Fringe Society

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Let’s face it

Thinking of getting a face transplant. The guy showed me their Tom Hanks, but I thought nah, I reckon everybody’ll be going for him this year.

He was so pushy. I said “Look, fella, this is a big decision for me. Having a new face – it’s not just like a hip joint or a replacement heart valve or something”.

I think they’d have had me out the back and on the operating table there and then.

Having said that, I sometimes think follow your instinct. He who hesitates. Just go for it. Repent at leisure.

Chap opposite just got a Matt Damon. Didn’t think twice, he said. Bit worrying though. I was on the course with him and he said he might have to stop his membership. Turns out he’s got trouble with the old finances – company problems after Brexit.

He did the face on credit and he’s not sure he’s gonna be able to keep up the payments.

Well, you know what happens nowadays if you run into trouble. The Channel Five blokes turn up – Can’t Pay, We’ll Take It Away.

Bit of a worry.

I’d pay cash for mine, I think.

Maybe something really different? Something to make me look a bit more intellectual?

I wonder if they do a Stephen Hawking?

 

 

 

Image credit: By lakesbutta [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour