Scientists hail discovery of a new human species in Britain

The discovery of a completely new type of human being living within Britain has been hailed by scientists as a breakthrough which could have profound implications for Mankind.

testtubesThe announcement, made early yesterday morning, was quickly followed by a series of developments during the day in areas such as politics, religion and sport. The new hominid, provisionally known as ‘Woman’, is believed to have been living unnoticed in many parts of the UK for a comparatively long period, though Professor Patrick Obvious insisted that considerably more research would be required before investigations were completed.

“More work is needed to establish the nature of this new species and how it fits into our overall understanding of the human race”, insisted Professor Obvious. “Without additional funding to provide our laboratory with the kind of equipment we need – for instance a new PlayStation, one of those George Foreman grill thingies where the fat just rolls into a tray underneath and one of those electric whirry-whirry things for scraping dead skin off one’s heels – we may never be able to deduce the precise significance of these quite revolutionary new insights”.

The Church of England was amongst the first to react to the discovery, immediately voting to allow any “women” found amongst their number to be ordained as bishops. “Clearly if there is this other form of human being moving among us we will want them to have equal rights without delay”, said the Right Reverend H. O’Lierthanthou. “I haven’t noticed them myself, but that is not to say that they don’t exist. I have enormous faith in their existence and indeed I look forward to meeting one of them one day”. By the end of the day a vote had been passed in the Church’s General Synod which will allow the new humans to become fully-fledged bishops.

brylcreemMeanwhile at Westminster Prime Minister David Cameron took charge of a hastily-convened meeting of SlowWorm, the special committee formed to deal with matters of pressing national importance. “The opportunity to divert attention away from the child abuse scandal is clearly in our own national interest”, he told our reporter. “I shall be insisting that we stand firm and react with appropriate restraint in the light of this enormously troubling but positive development. Sorry, what was the question again?” Mr Cameron later sacked half his Cabinet, promising to replace any male ministers not wearing Brylcreem with female alternatives.

As the day wore on, further repercussions were felt. In sport, for instance, Kia Motors agreed the first sponsorship deal with the England Women’s cricket team after it was discovered that “women” cricketers had been playing matches at various cricket grounds up and down the country.

The Kia Motors marketing department were quoted as being happy to support the newly-evolved species. “Supporting the hugely successful England women’s team cherylcoleis the next evolution for Kia in cricket”, said Paul Philpott, President and CEO of Kia Motors (UK) Ltd.

And in showbiz well-known entertainer Cheryl Cole yesterday revealed that he himself is, in fact, a “woman”, and indeed was taking the opportunity to announce his (apologies … her) upcoming engagement to French restaurant entrepreneur Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini.

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